Mary Sue: The Ultimate Showdown
by MacWriters Association
Summary: The stakes are higher than ever this season: five Mary Sues must compete in the ultimate test of perfection. The winner joins three CanonSues in domination of the Harry Potter universe, while the others are condemned to a fate worse than death...
1. Meet the Freakshow

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything you recognise.**

Hermione, Ginny, and Luna stood at the front table of the Great Hall, which now contained eight table instaid of four. The four extras contained Mary Sues of all colors and histories divided into houses called Sparklypoo, Bitchwitch, Tootsietramp, and Qanonreip, which had become a cliche in the parody world ever since some person put it on an internet quiz. "Ladies, as you know, we'll no longer be able to pull Sues from different time periods, and we can only have five people in our game show due to lack of funding," a glamourous-looking Hermione explained, her hair falling in soft, cascading waves. She had become rather well-developed over the summer and defied the laws of gravity by being slim, but not too skinny, and petite, but not too short. Luna and Ginny stood up, each looking equally stunning with a newly revealed tragic past of some sort, anf began to pick Sues for the show.

"You there," Hermione shouted serenely, pointing to a raven-haired and jade-eyed girl at the Qanonreip table, "Come on up and state your name!"

The girl looked absoulutely delighted. "I'm Zarita Potter, Harry's half sister," she stated, but Harry didn't pay attention to what she was saying, because he thought she was really hot.

Ginny gestured for a blue-haired, slim girl with huge breasts from the Sparklypoo table to come forward. "Hi, I'm Hentai Kisaragi, and I came from an anime universe," she excitedly explained.

Luna looked as though she had pointed to a girl on accident, for her brown hair didn't shine quite as brightly as the others' did, but she had several weapons in her belt. Unbeknowest to the young character, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black, cleverly disguised as camera guys, had given her a pendant that gave off an aura of exctreme Sueishness, so there was no way in hell she could _not_ get picked. The girl rose from the Bitchwitch table and said into the microphone, "I'm Minda MacKay, and I'm an author insert."

Ginny waved another girl onto the stage, with sun-colored beams of hair and eyes like the sky. "I'm Korista Smith, and I'm a Muggle who's been hiding in the air vents here for months," she said, coming forward from the Tootsietramp table.

Ginny raised an eyebrow. "We don't have air vents," she said, "And if you're a Muggle, how come you're in the school?"

"I have powers over the stupid laws of your universe," Korista answered, making everyone _ooh_ and _ahh_ appropriately. Hermione pointed at the last contestant, an ambitious young Bitchwitch with hair like a dying forest of oblivion in cute pigtails and eyes the color of garnets. Her skin was a gorgeous caramel tan and her cheeks were adorable rosy, and she had an inexplicaple, viewer-melting beauty.

"I am Kinachiana Riddle, and one day you will all bow before me." Everyone exchanged awkward glances, until Luna finally broke the silence.

"Alright ladies, move over here so our announcer guy can tell people more about you.

* * *

"Five Mary-Sues. One contest: to outsue the others in a series of five rigourous tests of Sueness. The stakes: one winner will gain eternal recognition and aquire a chance to be part of the Canon-Sue clique comprised of Hermione Granger, Luna Lovegood, and Ginny Weasley, while the losers are condemned to live the life of a well-balanced character. Now, MEET THE (beyond) LOVELY CONTESTANTS!" 

Five Mary Sues walked into the view of the camera, flashing their lovely, sparkling eyes and shaking their stunning hair behind them Each of them rolled their eyes as a speech was made about them by the deep-voiced announcer, and one or two even made rude hand gestures and shouted curse words at him.

"Zarita Potter: does she need any other introduction? The long lost pureblood half-sister and female counterpart of Harry Potter, she hopes one day to help her brother and male counterpart fulfill that prophecy. She looks almost like Harry in every way, except she is female and a lot sexier. Many are envious of her bouncy and shining black hair, shocking green eyes, and petite yet proportionally curvy figure. Zarita has a wonderful personality and her hobbies include flirting, playing Quidditch (at shich she's the most excellent seeker in a million bajillion years), and hunting down dark forces. When asked why she will be victorious in this contest, she simply replied, 'Because good always triumphs over evil!'

"Kinachiana Riddle is a dark, mysterious girl with a questionable past. She is the daughter of Voldemort and his mistress Bellatrix Lestrange, and looks a lot like her mother. Her dark, sensual gaze grabs the attention of anyone around. Her hair is long and flowing with shades of chestnut and espresso, and is mainly worn in pigtails: one may describe her as "cute, but evil". Her specialties include manipulation and Unforgivable Curses, which she is very fond of. Mostly described as a Machiavellian-sue, she is also part vampire and part Veela for unexplainable reasons, and as tall as a typical Muggle supermodel. When asked why she would take home the gold, she says with a giggle, 'All those _good_ Sues have got nothing on me--I'm evil, remember? And there was nothing in the contest rules against murder.'

"Korista Smith is your typical Muggle Sue, though obviously a lot prettier than your average Muggle. Her hair is pale blonde and cascading, with hints of sunshine lemon gold, and it would take several paragraphs to describe its true beauty. Her friends agree it looks remarkable in low braids, which she wears in front of her shoulders across her ample bosom. Her eyes are like a crystal fountain, constantly expressing the artistry of her soul, along with the things she does, including literature, poetry, songwriting, singing, and art.Her build is neither short nor tall, and she has a real thing for boys who are a tad heavy. Being a distant cousin of Dudley Dursley does that. When we asked her why she'd win, she said, 'Duh--the underdog always wins.'

"Hentai Kisaragi is an AU-sue coming to us from the world of Cutey Honey, as a relatively new brand of Mary Sue. She is the twin sister of the late Honey Kisaragi, whom the android Honey was modeled after. Hentai plays hockey for the Ontario Retarded Ducks. After being bested from every angle by Honey, Hentai is finally ready to claim her part in the Mary Sue world. Hentai's hair is blue and cascading, falling to her perfectly shaped bottom, which is usually covered in tight, black leather. Her eyes shine with the light of a thousand mirrors, and the currves of her face and body are more rounded than that of Honey's, but many would consider her more beautiful because of this. Hentai has the power of air alchemy, or the power to change into anything, just as a metemorphmagus does. She may look beautiful, but she's a real badass, which is sometimes sexy. The reason she'll sweep away the competition: 'I've overcome that worthless Honey, so I can face any competition!'

"Finally, we have Minda MacKay, the Cleverly Inserted Author Sue. She may not be as beautiful as the other Sues, but she has her own qualities that make up for her disadvantages. Her hair is short and chestnut brown, cut into a tomboy-ish style that makes her look like a Romulan. This in fact makes a lot of sense, because she is one half Romulan and one half Vietnamese. Her eyes are a dark brown shade, her eyebrows well defined, her skin a pale olive skimming over her short frame, which is somewhat flat, with very subtle breasts but a full booty. Though her beauty is questionable, she is well-trained in both piracy and ninja arts. Minda is brutally honest about herself and others, and can be hyper, random, and infuriated all at the same time. Her choice of love interest is very strange, including werewolves and poltergiests. Though she is somewhat behind the other sues, she has confidence she will beat them all: 'I'm writing this fic. There's no way I can lose!'"

* * *

Meanwhile, far, far away from Hogwarts and the Mary Sue Entertainment network personell, something sinister was afoot. "You know I am breaking the ultimate rule," Darth Vader told two women who kneeled before him, "With Lord Sidious dead, I should only take one apprentice Sith. Two of us, there are, always. But, you plead for an exception." 

"Yeah, I'm tired of being Voldie's servant. The guy's all washed up! I'd rather work for you. Then I could finally rule the world," Bellatrix Lestrange explained with bitterness. She was hardly a natural Mary Sue, but Darth Vader was entranced by her all the same. He knew turning her sister down would make them both very upset.

"I just need to save my son," Narcissa pleaded. "Please, anything. I will do whatever you ask, my master."

Darth Vader narrowed his eyes beneath his mechanical mask. "I will train you both," he said, "And we will rule the world. But first, we need to aquire a source of raw magical power."

* * *

A/N: so there you have it, the Harry Potter Ultimate Sues. If you want to place bets on who will win or just tell me who your favorite Sue is, send a review! 


	2. Interview and Ambush

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following story. Well, except some of the sues, not that I'd want to keep them anyway. Except myself (don't wanna die). And Korista, who's actually based on my friend. Well then, wnough chatter...**

The five stunningly pretty Potential-Sues walked into the Great Hall to greet the equally attractive Canon Sues. "Welcome to the show, so glad you could come!"Hermione said cheerfully. "The first thing we need to do is examine your wands and then we'll have some interview questions, okay?" She pulled her ruler-straight, golden-brown hair out of her eyes with a ribbon while Luna, walking to a table, her sexy hips swaying past her long, blonde, wavy, movie-star-ish hair, took out a strange-looking analyzer.

"Step this way, please," Luna told the Sues, setting up her contraption. Hentai was the first to step up and give her wand. "What have we here?" Luna asked, examining the silverish wand and putting it on the scanning device thingy. "Plum tree wood, combined with a high-teck visco-elastic type metal, kind of like in Terminator III, with a core of panther claw!" Luna announced to Hentai. "Very impressive. Now, answer a question. What is your greatest fear?"

Hentai thought for a moment. "Well, being an air-alchemist, which is like a metamorphmagus, I can't stand people who can't control their transformation. Like, one time, I came across a crazy werewolf named Kiera, and I totally didn't want to go anywhere near the fic!"

"That was a good, honest answer, Heni-Sue," Luna said. Hentai looked confused.

"Why are you calling me that?" she asked. "Should I call you Lulu-Sue or something?"

"All Mary-Sues have cutesy nicknames ending in Sue," Luna explained. "I just wanted to show respect for you awesome Sues. And as for me, you can just call me Queen Amidala. Next, please!" she said, as Kinachiana sat down."What do you know of the core in your wand?" Luna asked, examining the wand.

"Three components: phoenix feather, same as Harry Potter's, and Voldemort's, in fact. Veela hair from a distant cousin. Devil feather. Most people don't know devils have feathers," Kinachiana replied. Luna was quite impressed. With a toss of her hair, she asked her question.

"How did you become a vampire?"

Kinachiana looked towards the floor. "I got bit by Rufus Scrimgoeur," she said. Luna's look seemd to say _I knew it!_ She finally had proof Rufus was a vampire. "I wanted to be just like Sarah Hegstrom," Kinachiana continued. "She's a legendary prankster. Spiked Rufie's soup with an aphrodisiac and made out with him, so I was told. But what they didn't tell me before I spiked his juice with Essence of Insanity was that Sarah got bit!" Kinachiana was on the verge of tears. Luna could still see the bitemark through the fishnet that made up part of her shirt, from her shoulder down to her Dark Mark. "So I've held it against the Ministry ever since," she finished.

Luna was sobbing. That's very tragic," she said. "Thank you, Chia-Sue, I'm afraid I'm so touched that Ginny-Sue will have to take over for me," Luna cried, stepping away as Ginny took her place.

"Thanks, Queen Amidala," Kinachiana called back.

"Next," Ginny said, while Minda took a seat. She handed over her wand. "Hmm, nothing special," Ginny told her, "Just plain old cherry, a foot long, with some Pomeranian fur. Is this homemade, because it's really crappy."

Minda was infuriated. "You can't talk to me that way! So what if I made my own wand? I'm writing this fic, you can't just insult me! I may not be like the other Sues, but I assure you, I will be victorious!"

"I can say whatever I want," Ginny said, "This is my show! Now for the question," she said, handing Minda back her crappy wand. "What's with the pirate costume and parrot?"

Minda looked down at her high-cut pirate jacket, puffy shirt, and baggy, low-rise pirate pants. A parrot squawked on her shoulder. "It's just my style," Minda said, "And you'd better not turn it into an insult, because I've got katanas hidden somewhere on my person."

"Whatever," a rather irritated Ginny said, "Next." Korista sat down on the bench and took out a metal contraption with a strange trigger, and loaded some weird little thingies into it. "What the hell is this?" Ginny asked.

"It's called a gun," Korista explained. "We Muggles use it as a special wand to kill each other. Titanium-alloy, rusty bullets covered in mosquito eggs. If you get shot with this, ain't no way you're coming back."

"Impressive," Ginny said. "Now for the question."

"No," Korista said calmly, standing up.

"What?"

"You've already asked a question. 'What the hell is this.' I told you it was a gun. I'm not answering any more of your questions, you meanie-sue. I would have liked to be examined by Queen Amidala." Ginny was furious.

"Who's last?" she said in an irritated tone. Zarita stepped up, handing her the wand.

"Don't worry, Ginny-Sue, I still think you're cool," Zarita said. "So, what kind of tasks will we be doing? Will it be as easy as the Triwizard Tournament?"

Ginny pursed her lips. By now she was so fed up with the contestants, she wondered if she would like to condemn _herself_ to the life of a well-balanced character. "Eleven and a half inches, made of exotic mango tree wood, with an insanely high concentration of magic. Boiled in the blood of an insane dead teacher and then spun around in a special potion consisting mostly of lukewarm egg salad." She gestured Zarita away, too angry to remember to ask a question.

* * *

Do you think we were a little hard on Ginny?" Minda asked Korista as the Sues exited the Great Hall. 

"Nope," Korista said. "Tough competition, eh?"

"Nope," Minda replied. "I think the two of us should make an alliance," she said in a low whisper. "I could help you win, you know. And in the meantime, we could be _really_ great friends," she said in a low whisper, trying to keep her gaze on Korista's pretty, shining eyes and not on her generous assetts.

"You're cute, Min," Korista said, "But what you're asking for isn't an alliance. It's called an affair." Minda looked downward. "Don't worry," Korista comforted, trying to sound encouraging, "Maybe one day in the future, when this whole competition is over, you and I can be friends." Her tone indicated that by friends, she meant nothing more than friends.

Their conversation was shattered by a collective, blood-curdling scream coming from the Great Hall. "What was that?" Zarita shrieked. "Do you think the Canons are okay?" She was deeply worried, but all the other Sues seemed to dismiss it as nothing.

"Probably nothing," Hentai scoffed, turning with an air of absoulute relaxation. "Let's go get some lo mien.

* * *

A/N: Just thought I'd get random. This chappie wasn't really funny, but it gets better. You'll see. I always enjoy your reviews, and you can vote for your favorite Sue and I'll consider it for the winnings. 


	3. Snogging Contest

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following chapter. A/N/if I've written you in and you're in a situation that is gross/embarassing/you don't like, don't worry, no one knoews it's you.  
**

The Sues awoke to the clanging of a bell. "Rise and shine, my pretties!" Mione-Sue cheered, holding an envelope in one hand and a piece of paper in another. "Time for your first challenge!"

Everyone jumped out of bed, excited to prove themselves. "It had better be fun," Hentai said. Zarita looked completely elated that the Canon-Sues, all of which were standing in the room, were all safe and sound.

"I think it's what you'd call fun," Hermione assured, "But first, I must read the rules." Everyone groaned, as they hated rules, but Kinachiana already knew murder wasn't disallowed, so she was fine. "There will be no artificial means of increasing power. No Imperius Curses on the judges (the Canon Sues), and ABSOULUTELY no Felix Felicis. And cameras will follow you around everywhere. This is, after all, a reality show." She sounded rather like McGonnagal as she read the rules.

"Fair enough," Korista said, though looking around at the other Mary Sues, she felt discouraged. "What's the challenge?" Cheers of 'Yeah!' issued throughout the dormitory they were given, which was full of as many different things as different Sues. Kinachiana's bed was covered in black sheets and a black curtain with glowing phantoms, and plenty of paper for plotting and planning. Hentai had, well...hentai images of naked anime people pinned across her curtain. Korista's corner was equipped with a guitar and a desk for writing and singing songs. Minda's area was full of bright, obnoxious colors and held small spaces in which she would hide in and subsequently jump out of. Zarita's bed was covered in copies of the Daily Prophet and was the classic Gryffindor colors.

"We're having a boy-snogging contest! The girl who holds onto her boy for the longest time wins!" Luna--er, I mean, Queen Amidala-- announced. "And I'm commentating!"

"NO YOU"RE NOT!" Mione-Sue and Ginny-Sue said in unison. All the contestants nodded thier head in consideration. As the judges led them into the Great Hall for breakfast and snogging, each one pondered her strategy. Hentai wondered which of her awesome powers to use to snag the guy. Zarita wondered who would jump on her first. Korista wondered if English guys were as fat as the Americans she'd seen on the Internet.

"Girls, take your pick!" Ginny-Sue encouraged. It wasn't long before Kinachiana had settled at the Gryffindor table: those boys were the most naive.

"Hi," Chia-Sue said to no one in particular. Fred and George looked up. "I'm Kinachiana. I'm destined to be the world dictator, but I really just had an angsty past. Wanna snog?" she asked. The twins scoffed.

"You've got to be a lot more convincing than that--make us believe that you love us," Fred said wearily. Kinachiana was about to curse him into oblivion, but remembered there was no way to win the challenge by doing that. Instead, she turned her Veela charm on full-blast, smiling at the both of them erotically.

"It's such a shame that we can't be together seeing as I'm Voldemort's daughter," she told them, "But they say forbidden fruit always tastes sweetest." Of course, she, along with her opponents, were all in their sexiest, sluttiest, and Sueishest outfits. Kinachiana crossed her long, smooth legs under her short pink skirt, fishnet stockings, and combat boots. Her shirt was shocking pink with black mesh trim and weird lacy stuff, and she wore several sparkly wristbbands. A ribbon curled and cascaded with her hair as she flipped it. The boys couldn't resist. Soon, the three were engaged in an erotic snogging threesome. Fred grabbed onto her wrist, and, noticing the Dark Mark, sentually threatened a bite the way a Klingon might. Soon they were on the table, but as soon as it had started, it was over.

Luna counted the seconds. "Six minutes," she said as Kinachiana came back to the table. Hentai went after the same two boys.

"Fool, they'd never betray me to you!" Kinachiana said. Hentai wasn't so sure about that.

"HENTAI FLASH!" she shouted. Suddenly, all her clothes were stripped off, replaced by Kinachiana's, right down to the last detail, while for a few moments she stood shamelessly naked, exposing her mammoth mammaries and sculpted glutes. Her cascading blue locks transformed into Chia's soft, dark waves, her face molded to the chape of Chia's Cute-But-Evil look. Even her figure shrank slightly and she lost a few inches of height. She walked over to the oblivious twins, where they expected she was only back for more.

"Four minutes," Luna told her in disappointment as she ran to find somewhere secluded to change out of Kinachiana's face. Next was Korista. She scouted out the Great Hall until she found someone to her exact liking..._There,_ she thought to herself. Gregory Goyle. Not nearly as chubby as the Americans on Youtube, but he would do.

"Hi," she said serenely. If Goyle wasn't impressed by her her outfit: a black tank under a bright green tee which had horizontal holes cut out, a pair of jeans that skimmed over her cute legs, and knee-high boots trimmed with ribbons, he was definately impressed by her hair, which shone like a thousand waterfalls of sunlight, and her soulful, ocean-colored eyes. His friend, however, was not in the least bit impressed.

"You're a Muggle, aren't you?" asked Draco Malfoy. "Why don't you get the hell off our table, scum!"

Korista tried to ignore him, but it was no use. She finally just turned to Greg and said, "I may not be the prettiest, wealthiest, most pureblood girl here, but I'm the only one talking to _you._" Many would disagree, as Korista could easily be the prettiest girl there, but Goyle saw her point. No other girl was crazy enough to find him attractive.

"Eight minutes!" Luna cheered. Muggle viewers everywhere cheered their heads off for the Muggle Sue. Next, Zarita was up. She was rather taller and more slander than most Sues, but still extremely attractive. Korista wondered why a boy hadn't walked up to _her_, as one was doing to Zarita.

It was cleear that winning counted more than attraction for poor Zita-Sue, for soon the Sues and Canons alike started to scream, "OH MY GOSH! HOLY CRAP! SHE'S SNOGGING HARRY FREAKING POTTER!"

The two went on for forty three minutes. "Whoa, you just lost major pointage for incest," Ginny informed Zarita, who was walking back. "But you're still ahead of all the others! Minda, you're last!"

Minda sat down at an empty table, wearing a conservative outfit: a hoodie, a khaki jacket, hip-higging Bermuda shorts, a thick belt, and stiletto heels. As she continued to sit, suddenly, every man, woman, and child in the building (Except the Sues) found her to be the sexiest thing on the planet! Her ZOMG SUPER SPECHULL POWURZ were in effect. All the men raced toward her, but the first to pounce was Professor McGonnagal. Minda screamed for dear life while the Canon Sues broke it up and everything returned to normal.

"This is a boy snogging contest, not an old lady raping contest," Ginny said.

"But she raped me!" Minda pleaded, "Give me one more chance!"

"No marks," said the Canons in unison. Minda returned to the table in disappointment. Zarita may have won this round, but next time, she would mop the floor with Zita-Sue.

* * *

A/N: Well, there's the first challenge. Not so hard, but it looks like Harry Potter's Sister is in the lead...to be continued. 


	4. Secret Plots

**Disclaimer: Don't own it, except the sues. A/N: the following chapter contains body inflation/WG. You have been warned.  
**

Back in the dormitory, the Sues all took turns talking to the cameras. "Hi, Mom!" Minda energetically said, holding the camera with both hands while jumping on her bed.

"Cool it, would you!" Hentai shouted across the room. "I'm trying to plot my victory!" Minda giggled. _Everyone_ was plotting her victory, even Kinachiana, who looked to be sitting idly on her bed in a vaguely sinister kimono, but was actually entering plans into her computer-like brain. Even half-awake, Kinachiana had the type of dark yet childish beauty that could melt your face off if you stared at her for too long.

Over at Korista's corner, it looked as though she was also plotting her victory-- why else would she have stolen all of Chia's Evil-Plot Paper? Minda pointed the camera toward her opponent as she moved closer. "Whatcha doing?" she asked, peeking over Korista's shoulder. _Wow,_ Minda thought, _This is one hell of a weird plan:_

_I want to be your friend  
But that's not what you're asking for  
Oh how I wish I could do it  
But what you want is so much more  
Oh, baby, come here and let me give it to you...  
_

Just some poetry that tied into the rhyme scheme of a previous verse. Minda laughed it off, partially because she had thought it was a plan, and partially because its intensity knocked the breath out of her into a nervous giggle. Korista had a boy back home. That was the only explanation, which was an utter shame, because she was awakening feelings in Minda that she didn't even know she could have.

"Min-min Sue," Kinachiana called from the other side of the room.

"Yes, Chia-Sue?" Minda replied, thinking it best to revert to cutesy nicknames out of respect. Kinachiana beckoned Minda closer until they could speak without being overheard.

"I need your help," Kinachiana said, pointing to a potion recipe whose title was conveniently obscured by a sock with one hand, and passionately conjuring fire under a cauldron with the other. "This will help both of us win, but it takes two sets of hands to stir." Minda carefully looked over the potion. It was quite complicated: the only ingredients Minda could pronounce were spider legs, smelt caviar, and butter. All the others had names that looked as if someone had banged their head on a keyboard: sfaadgshylkj and jkhoiuakfka were just some of the complicating ingredients.

Kinachiana began to mix the ingredients, when suddenly, she stopped. "Oh no!" she realized, "I've forgotten the kjhasdkjn flk! Oh, Min-min Sue, please tell me you're either really stealthy or a kleptomaniac!" It just so happened that Minda was both skilled at stealth from her ninja training and loved nicking stuff, especially things of no real significance like potion ingredients. She nodded her head in understanding, sneaking up the stairs of the dorm, which was a secluded basement, into the corridor.

Snape's office didn't take long to reach, even though Minda was on the other side of the building from it and crawling on the ceiling for secrecy. Snape sat in the middle of the office, steadily dozing off in a chair. Minda silently snuck under the desk, beginning to sing randomly. Her voice was like the warbling of the world's sweetest sounding finch, and her lyrics, which were actually from a song by the legendary Facist 'Gina, slowly dozed Snape all the way to sleep...

She was seriously mangling the lyrics of "Chocolate Covered BJ", but it was nonetheless very erotic, and at the end, when she was repeating the words "Chocolate covered blowjob" over and over, she almost lured herself into a craving to gove someone a...well...you get the idea. Minda crept silently to the shelves, gracefully knocking down jars as she finally found the one she was looking for: _kjhasdkjn flk_.

"Got it," she whispered to herself, about to sneak out, when a box of tasty looking blueberries caught her eye. It was now into the early hours of the morning, and Minda could use a midnight snack. "Couldn't hurt," she said, nicking the blueberries before making her escape.

"Good, you've got the stuff!" Kinachiana squealed silently upon her return. "Thank you so much! I promise I won't do anything to make you totally get last place." Kinachiana grinned as she took the flask and poured it into her mixture. "We can be allies now!"

"Good," Minda said through a mouthful of blueberries, though she would rather be making allies with Korista. She took the ladel and helped Kinachana to stir, just as the directions said: stir with two pairs of hands.

"Not so fast," Kinachiana instructed, slowing down the pace. "Now I need a paper carton." She reached into the fridge to pull out a carton of juice labeled _Zarita_, while Minda took a peek at the name of the potion: _World's moste deadliest poison, FOO! _She gasped. In her shock, she knocked her blueberries into the mixture, which fizzed a dark violet, qhickly returning to its sickly green.

Kinachiana began to rush, noting that the sun was rising. She poured Zarita's juice, golden and sparkling, into the girls' collective punch bowl, and poured the sinister concoction nervously into the carton. Perhaps she was having second thoughts about murder.

Or perhaps not. She relidded the juice, put it back in the fridge, and pretended she was sitting down to breakfast like a normal, non-murderous Sue.

"Hey guys, up so early?" Zarita's voice called through a cheerful yawn as her tall and slender form entered the kitchen. She went innidiately for the juice, while Kinachiana and Minda idly sipped from the golden punch, but something was different--both of them felt it. It was as if nothing could drag them down, as if they'd just chugged Felix Felicis--as if Zarita planned on just chugging it. But it was illegal in the competitioun, wasn't it?

"What's happening?" Zarita screamed in fear by the fridge. Her skin had turned from ivory to deep blue. Her belly protruded from her thin frame with inhuman speed. In a matter of seconds, she looked like she was nine months pregnant...with twins...triplets..."HELP!"

The other Sues came to her call, but could only stand there gawking at her enormous belly. "Uh-oh," Minda muttered under her breath. Those dammed blueberries.

"Ladies," Ginny announced, coming into the room, "Your challenge today will be..." She took one look at the massively gravid form of Zarita, now expanded past immobillity. Her arms had finally been engulfed in her massive torso, large enouth to accomadate twelve average-sized teenagers. Clearly, hospitilization was in order. "...Postponed."

Kinachiana and Minda suspiciously backed away from the drink. It could have gotten them disqualified, but Hentai obliviously walked into the kitchen, not noticing Zita-the-Blimp, and drank some of the treacherous punch. "This is pretty good!" she said, pouring herself a second glass. Obviously, she wasn't one of the smarter Sues.

* * *

A/N: As you can see, I like inflation. I'm not so good at writing it in detail, though, but if I've suceeded in giving you a right good scare, leave a review!  



	5. WAR

**Disclaimer: I own nothing in the following story. Except the overdone cliched charries. And some of the song lyrics. But not Weird Al's Weasel Stomping Day.  
**

Luna waltzed into the dormitory early the next morning, where Zarita was in the final stages of recovery and Minda and Kinachiana kept exchanging nervous glances. Korista didn't know what was going on, but the sight if Zarita as a blueberry blimp had been somewhat orgasmic for her. As for Hentai, she was still unknowingly high off the "punch" from the previous day.

Luna banged together two pots, smiling brightly, even though all the Sues were awake. "Girls, I have good news!" she giddily announced, her fake alien antennae bobbling as she jumped up and down. "I've got your challenges!"

Hentai raised her eyebrow. "What do you mean, challenges? Are you saying they're all different?" she asked.

"Yep!" Luna answered, pulling her long, sweeping hair to the back as she stuck her gloved hand into a flaming hat. " We couldn't decide which mundane task to make you guys do, so we gave you one each! You are one lucky Sue, Hentai!" she said, while Kinachiana and Minda exchanged another meaningful glance, staring at the card in Luna's hand. "Your challenge is to annoy Ron Weasley to tears!" She directed her attention to Korista, pulling another card out of the hat. "You get to screw in a lightbulb! Just like in that joke that goes, how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?"

"Very amusing, Queen Amidala," Korista said sarcastically, flipping her waves of solid sunshine. Luna turned to Minda and drew another card.

"Min-min Sue, you have to cook dinner for your fellow Sues and Judges!" Minda gave a little squeal as Luna hurtled the pots straight at her, but caught them with awkward ease. "Chia, you have to break into Azkaban and free the notorious criminal of your choice. Snacks will be provided," Luna joked. "All that leaves is Zita-Sue, and one more challenge: you have to find one of Voldemort's Horcruxes." Zarita smirked confidantly. How hard could it be?

* * *

"I have to screw in a lightbulb," Korista told the camera as she walked into a secluded closet containing a provided ladder and a heaping pile of lightbulbs. The cameraman zoomed in on every detail of her outfit, from her patchwork denim jacket to her tight pants that would make her the envy of every emo kid on the planet. Her sneakers were bright green, glowing like the dim light of the nearly burned out bulb. "How hard can it be?" she asked, just as all the others were asking in their minds. She grabbed a lightbulb and headed up the ladder, but before she got to the top, the last rung disappeared into thin air! "Oh, that's just mean!" Korista exclaimed, as she fell in a strangely alluring way onto the ground, the bulb cracking, her head sensually dripping with blood. "Let's try this again," Korista told herself. This time, she would be prepared for anything. She climbed again, but this time, the ladder turned into burrito filling, leaving her on the floor in a mess. "WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO?" she screamed. 

Then it came to her. "One to hold the bulb and four to turn the ladder! That's it!" Having sensed her realization, the enchanted ladder turned back into a ladder as she rushed to find four more blondes.

* * *

Zarita found herself faced with an icy lake. "As if old Voldy couldn't think of enough traps," she muttered, nimbly pulling on the air until a boar rose out of the depths. Clearly unafraid and dressed for the occaision in a ninja suit she had borrowed from Minda (which was clearly too short for Zarita, but looked sexy all the same), she hopped in the boat and began to row toward a source of glowing light, a cameraman close behind. Suddenly, a stirring could be heard below. 

"Oh no!" Zarita said, "The Inferi must sense all my amazing raw power from the cosmos!" She began to row faster, but it was evident that they would not give up so easily, for three of the corpsey beings had hopped into the boat. "You want a piece of me?" Zarita backoned, assuming a graceful fighting stance. She began to fight them with all of her force, while still drifting toward the glowing island in Voldemort's boat.

Zarita gave a soft grunt as she stepped onto the rocky land, still punching the repulsive Inferi. Suddenly and unexpectedly, one of them grabbed her--not to assault, but to try to make out with her! They were attracted to her, as so many beings were. "Thank you," she said, "but I really must get this Horcrux." The gross creature nodded, and cleared her way to a stone basin containing a swirling green potion. "Guess I have to drink it," Zarita deducted on the spot. She bent down and licked into it. "Kind of tastes like orange soda."

She drank it down with ease, but to her great disappointment, no Horcrux was contained within its depths. "CRAP!" she shouted.

* * *

Minda preheated the oven, putting the finishing touches on a mango-banana-orange soy smoothie, smoothing homemade strawberry icing around the rim and wiping sweat from her brow. "This is harder than it looks," she said to herself, gingerly putting the sushi in the oven. A voice from behind startled her into a jump. 

"Whatcha making?" Luna asked.

"I've just taken some Genetal Tso's Chicken off the stove," Minda explained, "And I've got some smoothies ready. There's also some sushi in the oven. Why do you ask, Queen Amidala?"

Luna gave a slight flinch. "You don't put sushi in the oven, dummy!" she exclaimed. Minda was totally shocked.

"Really?" she asked, checking her meal by the oven light. The camera zoomed in on her poor, destroyed food as she let out a scream of frustration. "Oh my gosh! I've burnt it!" Unfortunately, she didn't know how to unburn things with magic, so she took a good ten minutes conjuring up some pizza.

"Maybe next contest, you'll win, Min-min," Luna said encouragingly, though it didn't help.

* * *

"So, what you're telling me is my mom's already out of prison?" Kinachiana was asking a human guard of Azkaban, the Dementors having long fled. She drummed her fingers along her silky sleeve, part of a dignified outfit that seemed to say, 'I'm half-blood pretending to be pure, but that still makes me better than you.' He nodded his head. "What about Fenrir Greyback?" 

"Freed by a fanfiction author and ran off with some psycho girl, Kiera I think it was..." the guard recalled.

"Lucius Malfoy?"

"Parole."

"Sarah Hegstrom?"

"Broke out. Those clever OCs! I hear she even tried to take over the world, but she didn't succeed." Kinachaina was running our of criminals. If she couldn't free her ultimate idol, who wasn't even a Mary Sue but was able to break out anyway, then Azkaban must really be losing its grip. Finally, the guard said with a confused scowl, "Peter Pettigrew is here, but I don't see why you'd want to know that. He's a disgrace to the world!" While the guard stood around in confusion, Kinachiana ran down the corridor, looking for Peter's cell.

Peter's eyes opened wide within his cell. His hair and clothing were severely disheveled, and he murmered as though he had gone insane. "Have you come to free me?" he asked. "I knew the governer would call!"

Kinachiana rolled her eyes. "I'm on a game show, dude," she explained, enthusiastucally conjuring fire from her fingertips and burning through the bars of the cell. She proceeded to the window, whose bars she also burned, and beckoned Peter to get out through it. He just sat there staring at her.

"You're like an angel," he finally told her. "Would you sleep with me?" Kinachiana stared at him, wide-eyed, until she collapsed into a fit of tears and angst.

"People are always asking me," she sobbed, "It's like being pretty is a curse or something, because everyone wants to make out with me and they don't realize what I've been through!" The cameraman zoomed in as millions of viewers burst into sympathetic tears. "I was forced to do my father's bidding when I was very young. All I ever wanted was a father, and some real friends, and someone to understand me, but instead, my only outlet was my own plan for world domination." Suddenly, her tone changed from sad to enraged. "But it was always NO! ALL I EVER GET FROM GUYS LIKE YOU IS 'HEY BABY, LET'S TAKE THIS INTO THE OTHER ROOM!'"

"There, there, baby," Peter said calmingly, though he was reaching into the frontside of her shirt. "Let's just calm down...maybe take this into the other room..."

Kinachiana slapped him so hard that half his face turned a deep violet. "I wouldn't free you even if not doing so hurdled me into a life of un-Sueishness!" she prominently declared. With a snap of her fingers, the bars were back, solid as ever, and with another snap, she had disappeared from Azkaban completely.

* * *

Hentai slowly vrept up behind Ron Weasley, a wizard she clearly disrespected because of his parents' irresponsibility. "Geez, if I couldn't afford them, I'd use protection," she muttered under her breath. The camera zoomed in on her outfit as well, which was a secretary's outfit she'd borrowed from Honey but looked way better on Hentai herself. 

"What?" Ron asked, turning around. Hentai's reply was a sharp kick in the shin. "Hey! What was that for?" he asked.

Hentai spontaneously did what every Mary Sue did with extreme beauty, but she definately took the cake at the moment: she burst into song:

" Faces filled with joy and cheer  
What a magical time of year  
Howdy Ho! It's Weasley Stomping Day

Put your Viking helmet on  
Spread that mayonaisse on the lawn  
Don't you know it's Weasley Stomping Day

All the little girls and boys  
Love that wonderful crunching noise  
You'll know what this day's about  
When you stomp a weasley's guts right out

So, come along and have a laugh  
Snap their weasely spines in half  
Grap your boots and stomp your cares away  
Hip hip hooray, it's Weasley Stomping Day!"

_Ron swore loudly, but Hentai continued singing, kicking him as she did so._

"People up and down the street  
Crushing Weasleys beneath their feet  
Why we do it, who can say?  
But it's such a festive holiday

So let the stomping fun begin  
Bash their weasely skulls right in  
It's tradition, that makes it okay

Hey everyone, it's Weasley Stomping  
We'll have some fun on Weasley Stomping  
Put down your gun, it's Weasley Stomping Day  
Hip Hip Hooray, it's Weasley Stomping Day

Weasley Stomping Day  
Hey!"

With the last ringing, velvety note, she kicked him below the belt so hard that he burst into tears right away.

* * *

The dinner table was silent as the Sues anxiously nibbled on Minda's dinner, awaiting their scores. Kinachiana was the first to break the silence. "Why are they making us wait so long to know our marks?" 

"Like you got any marks," Zarita gloated. "You didn't even finish your task!"

"Neither did you, Blueberry Girl!" Kinachiana spat back. Just then, the three Canon-Sues entered the room, each holding one or two sheets of paper.

"Hentai, you were great!" Luna said, "Ten out of ten! You swept away the competition and you've won this round!" Hentai smiled with satisfaction.

"Minda, the food was delicious,the smoothie was cosmicly amazing, but you burned the sushi the first time, so you lost points for that and you ended up with an eight," Hermione explained. The other Sues shouted things like, 'How can you _burn_ sushi, idiot!"

"Zarita, you didn't find the Horcrux, but you almost did, and you brought back a stone basin and almost made out with a zombie, so we gave you a five," Ginny announced. Zarita scowled, but did nothing to protest.

"Korista, you figured out the enchantment on the ladder! It was great! Unfortunately, you failed at first, and only after were you able to relate it to thet blonde joke. So, we gave you a seven." Korista sat back and sighed, her expression totally unreadable.

"Kinachiana, you didn't succeed in your task, but your show of angst was very touching, so you got a six," Hermione announced. "By the way, what caused all the anger and sadness in your tragic past?"

Kinachiana looked towards the floor, but Zarita piped up, "Oh! I know! I know! It was this!" she flicked her wand and instantly, a screen appeared on the wall. It rolled a clip to show Kinachiana, sitting helplessly in a room, severely battered, with cuts skimming across her raggedly clothed and emanciated form. How a Mary Sue could emerge from this pitiful creature was beyond everyone in the room.

Voldemort entered the screen. "I can't believe you, you evil little //bleep//! How dare you destroy my plan AGAIN!" he screamed at his cowering daughter, whacking her brutally with a chair. Bones could be heard snapping and fracturing. "I am going to KILL YOU, YOU //bleep//ING //bleep//!!!!!" He was mad, whacking Kinachiana over and over again, until someone finally had the nerve to turn it off. Kinachiana was in a nervous wreck in her seat, sobbing and crying, with more sobbing. Zarita didn't stop. She turned the screen's contents into another clip of Kinachiana, this time, with Dolohov, Rookwood, Snape, the Malfoy father and son, and Macnair in the room, taking turns slapping, beating, and raping her. Blood was everywhere, and it looked as if some had been splashed onto the camera lens. The Kinachiana at the dinner table was in a screaming, sobbing crisis. With a cry of distress, she threw her soda at the screen, which went blank, and jumped out of her seat.

"THAT'S IT!" she screamed, choking back tears, "THIS IS WAR, ZARITA! I WILL DESTROY YOU, WHATEVER IT TAKES, FOR WHAT YOU'VE MADE ME RELIVE!" She stormed out of the room, half angry, still shaking uncontrollably, and screaming in rage. Hentai raised an eyebrow insensitively, but the other Sues all stared coldly at Zarita, as to say, _what have you done?_

* * *

A/N: this is war! Now everyone will have to choose sides! Please review, and as an added challenge, tell me whose side you're on! And vote for your favorite Sue, of course... 

**  
**


	6. The Stupid Random Dance

**Disclaimer: I own the sucky, cliched, over-described characters and the overall weird plot, but not the nice, wonderful charries and plots created by JKR. A/N:Self-insertion chapter. Get ready to be annoyed out of your mind with what I can do to myself in a story.  
**

"What are you doing?" Kinachiana asked Minda, who was shaking her generous booty to the rhythm of a song that would be written by an American band years in the future.

"Dancing," Minda responded, rolling her head about the fulcrum of her neck and taking a dip so low, it was a wonder how she could keep from falling in her 4-inch stilettos.

"You're pretty good," Kinachiana told her, jumping on her bed while evil plots formulated in her mind. Her eyes moved from side to side as if she was reading, and the dark typhoon of her shining hair swirled even though the air was still. "You'd be a real hit at Dumbledore's random dance."

The head of every Sue turned. "What?" they all asked in unison.

"Dumbledore always has a random dance at the school when Mary Sues are amok!" Kinachiana explained. "And it's almost always a costume party."

"Costume...goth lolita or space pirate?" Minda and Korista wondered aloud at the same time, unaware that they were doing so.

"Oh, Minda, I have the perfect lolita dress you could wear!" Kinachiana piped up. "It doesn't fit me any more, but it'll look perfect on you! And you can pair it with those black wristbands falling out of your suitcase to look more gothic!" Kinachiana pulled a dress out of her closet: it was perfect. The bodice resembled a corset, tying in the back with a thick ribbon, attatched to a bubble skirt of sorts over a lacy petticoat, all in a pink-and-white striped silk.

"Space pirate it is, then," Korista said enthusiastically, taking out a tattered Starfleet uniform and some fishnet, along with strips of bandana and a fake mutant parrot.

"What are you going to be?" Minda asked Kinachiana curiously.

"You'll see."

Ginny suddenly walked in. "Y'all, we're having a--"

"Random dance, we know," everyone said in unison. With a look of confusion, Ginny left the Sues to do whatever Sues do.

* * *

The Great Hall was booming with noise, but Minda was sitting still at a table, the only dateless girl in the house. The strapless dress she wore revealed a tatoo of a crying alien werewolf leaning over the pi symbol on her arm which mirrored her mood. She watched Hentai in her glimmering leather catsuit and kitty ears, dancing with Cedric Diggory, who apparently was still alive. Zarita had gone as a nudist and taken Harry as her date--"He's just so kinky!" she'd said, "I'm gonna take him to Alabama with me where people will accept our love." 

Meanwhile, Kinachiana seemed to take the event for her first official battle with Zarita--she had somehow dyed her skin blue, and her white-and-grey Victorian dress had blue, juicy-looking splotches over where her nipples were. Korista was dancing with Snape but admiring the man playing the drums on stage--Brinker Toast, the most renouned drummer and Gary Stu of the time, hoping he'd check out her ghetto space pirate costume.

A singsong voice was chanting behind Minda: "Oh, dancing with no one, the poor Minda lass,  
She's one Mary Sue of a whole other class,  
But get on her bad side and she'll kick your ass..."

"Peeves," Minda said sweetly with a manipulative smile, "Would you like to dance with me?"

Peeves gave a gasp of delight. "This will be even more exciting than when I dated Kiera Greyback! Except she was nowhere near as hot as you are!" He swept her off her feet and egged her on as she demonstrated her slips and slides on the dance floor.

Brinker Toast stepped up to the microphone. Minda couldn't help but let her heart skip a beat. His handsome features could rival those of any Gary Stu and most canon characters, and his golden brown hair seemed to defy all gravity. "Alright, yo, Dumbledore's asked me to make an announcement. How are you tonight?" Everyone cheered at the top of their lungs. "Full moon tonight, but I smell werewolves! Hehe, you guys must be on silver alloy if you're still human! In fact, we have the inventor of that nice little drug right here--Minda MacKay!" Minda gave a little bow as everyone cheered. "Anyway, cuantos druggies in da house?" A small crowd of people cheered, including Serina Black-Lupin, a reject from last season's _Showdown_, Alana, Alfonso, and Osama, werewolf rebels, and the legendary drug trafficker, Kiera Greyback and her adopted daughter, Lauren. Brinker went on to make some jokes about the composition of the substance--how most people now diluted it with caffene and flour, but sometimes rubidium, to make it more profitable.

Minda backoned Peeves to where Kiera was. "I swear, I'm not lying! I'm dating Brinker Toast!" Lauren was insisting. "I don't know what he sees in me, but he sure is awesome!"

Kiera, two years Minda's senior and a lot more creepy looking, with messy hair and a disturbing smile, gestured for Minda to come closer. "Hi! How've you been?" Minda asked her, "I want to know all about your life! How's Fenrir doing, and your business? You know, you must be the best drug trefficker ever to sell my ingenious product, if I do say so myself."

Kiera seemed pleased to be meeting Minda, who looked just like a pretty, Suesh version of herself. "I've been great, Fenrir has given up on out world domination thing, though...but we've still got it going on," she replied. "And my daughter has somehow snagged Brinker Toast." Minda took a look at Lauren, who was young and energetic, slightly pudgy, but sweet nonetheless. So did Zarita.

"No way!" Zarita shouted, "You couldn't get him in a million years, you freak who looks like a chode!" she shouted at poor little Lauren, who started to cry. Minda got up in Zarita's face.

"You can't talk to my other insertion's family like that!" she said, kicking her in her naked groin. Zarita was enraged, shaking with shock and turning red.

"That's it, you little //bleep//! Couple-on-couple dance-off RIGHT NOW! Music please!"

A latin tune began to play, and Zarita and Harry bagen to dance. Perhaps it was the nudity, the samba that was remeniscent of Julianne and Apollo from Dancing With the Stars, or the disgusting inscest, but the crowd was roaring. Finally, they struck their final, Newton's-laws-defying pose, and the show's ratings instantly soared. "Beat that!" Zarita said.

Minda dragged her partner onto the floor. "Hit it, Ayumi!" she commanded, and an Asian singer started singing with Brinker's drumming to a high-energy song. Minda led the freestyle, but Peeves was pretty good somehow also, completely defying his novelized character. "Do something crazy," Minda begged, sensually pulling the ribbon from her hair and wrapping it behind his neck, pulling him closer...

"IRON LOTUS TIME!" he declared, hoisting her up by the ankles and spinning her with merciless speed. She flipped once as he threw her up into the air, landing on a table and going into a twitching convulsion.

"That Peeves did that to me once," Kiera recalled in a low murmer as Luna started ranting into a microphone.

"What was that?" Luna asked as soon as Minda had regained conciousness.

"I just got so much into the music," she lied, standing up and walking out of the dance with a crowd of reporters following her. "It's my new move. I call it the Seizure."

"We have a winner!" Luna declared, raising Minda's hand into the air. Reporters from every magical magazine swarmed around her, while the other Sues watched in jealousy. Zarita had only one camera snapshotting her: that of wizard Playboy, getting a shot of her and Harry in a sexy pose.

A sharp pain stung Minda in the arm, and she turned to find Madam Pomfrey taking a blood sample. "Oh dear," she said, examining it, "It seems you've contracted HIV and Bendii Syndrome, which has mutated to be able to jump from Vulcans to Romulans. You have seven years left to live."

Minda's hands balled into fists. "I'LL KILL YOU, SIRIUS BLACK!" she shouted, but no one cared, because they all thought he was a stupid jerk who couldn't form a sentence in front of a Mary Sue.

* * *

No one was sleeping soundly in the dorm. Kinachiana was sitting worriedly at Minda's side, who was playing Only Time extremely well on the cello. Hentai was crying, "I didn't want to be in Chia and Zita's war, but I have no choice! I can't stand her and Minda, those emo //bleep//s!" into a camera. Korista was moping, as she hadn't gotten any attention in the last chapter, and Zarita was punching inanimate objects. 

"I didn't ask you to get involved in my war," Kinachiana insisted, "If you want to bash on Heni and Zita, it's okay, but don't do it for me."

"I'll do it for you," Minda said, putting down her cello and weeping. "I want you to have a great canon Sue, since Sirius Black has stolen my life from me. If it wasn't for him, I'd still be living a mormal life on Romulus."

Kinachiana nodded mischeviously. "Do I sense a Tragic Past?"

"No, just a Pathetic Loser." As she gave a sniffle, Kinachiana shoved a small knive into her lap.

"Take this," she insisted, "It's an obsidian scalpel. When I was a poser of 'emo', I used to cut myself with thes, and it doesn't leave a mark!" She pulled up her sleeve, exposing smooth blue skin, with the exception of the Dark Mark. "The cutting edge is only a single molecule thick, and I guaruntee you won't get infected."

"Thanks," Minda said sadly. "Hey, did you catch the rest of Brinker's speech?" Every Sue shook her head, but an angelic-sounding voice spoke from the distance,

"What a pity." When she entered the room, the air became fresh-scented and breezy as a spring morning, though it was the moddle of dreary October. The woman's every curve was in exactly the right place, giving a slender but healthy look to her petite, radiant form. Her hair was not one color, though it appeared to fall in copper waves at first sight, but consisted of streaks of every pleasant color in the visible spectrum. Her eyes were the deepest shade of violet blue, and her generous lips curved into a soft smile as she looked each girl over.

"No way!" Zarita gasped, "You're Lt. Mary Sue, the queen mother of us all!"

"That's right," Mary Sue said, "Straight from the universe of Star Trek. If you'd listened to what Brinker Toast had to say, you'd know that I would be rooming with you and also helping to judge your competition." Mary walked over to where the girls were gathered, sitting down with them and kicking up her stiletto heels, which were so high, even an experienced high-shoe-wearer like Minda would break her legs in them. "You look familiar," she muttered, looking at Minda.

They had met before, in the Romulan ghetto. "You look good," Minda said in reply, though Mary was so used to hearing this, she didn't notice.

A bed was conjured in an empty alcove next to Zarita's, with pink sheets and a night table holding a fancy, tea-filled teapot. "Goodnight," she said.

Everyone crawled into bed, but Minda said across the room, "Mary, what would happen if tonight was the last, but you felt that society's effort was wasted on you?"

"SHUT THE //bleep// UP! I'M TRYING TO SLEEP!" Hentai shouted, but Mary gave her advice anyway, which Minda carved into her left index and middle fingers with her little obsidian knife:

_I AM NOT A WASTE OF SOCIETY'S EFFORTS ON ME_

_I AM A REFORMER OF SOCIETY._

* * *

A/N: You'll find out what happened with Sirius in the next few chaps, but first, there will be a challenge. Well, two challenges. I didn't want to give you too much info in this chapter, because then it would wreck the surprise...it also seems as though I have joined forces with Chia and Hentai is fixing to ally with Zita. Tell me who's side YOU'RE on : ) 

Oh, and one more thing: 219 hits and 2 reviews? You can do better than that! I literally feed off of reviews : (


	7. Quidditch Match, or Lisemily's Return

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter. A/N: Whan I have too much sugar, I write cheezy poetry. No one forces you to read the poetry part.  
**

This morning, it was Lt. Mary Sue banging two pots together to wake the Sues, her hair looking just as marvelous as it had the previous night, even though she hadn't brushed it. "Rise and shine, future generation of perfection!" she cheerfully said. "The Canons told me to give you today's challenge: an everyone-versus-everyone Quidditch match!" She cheerfully pranced from the room, leaving the Sues to change into some sporty attire.

"Zarita, we should try to beat Minda and Kinachiana," Hentai suggested. "They think they're more Sueish than us because they got raped or something."

Zarita rolled her eyes. "An all-star hockey player and professional Seeker against them? There's no way we can lose!" she assured her ally as she donned a red and gold Quidditch robe, while Hentai changed into her Retarded Ducks uniform. "But just in case..." Zarita pulled two vials of golden liquid out of her pocket and handed one to Hentai. They _clinked_ their vials together and drank, nearly choking on their own maniacal laughter.

* * *

"Just mount the broom--or in your case, mop-- and kick off," Minda was explaining to Korista, who was wearing a jacket with several insignia patches on it and holding a mop, the only thing left for her to ride in the whole school. 

"I don't know," Korista mumbled, helping Minda straighten her air-risistance cutting ninja outfit and Calgary Flames t-shirt, "What if I fall off?"

"I'll catch you," Minda told her. "I'm still open to an alliance with you, after all." Minda put on her most seductive smile, but it didn't seem to work--this one was straight, or so it seemed. This led her to another thought: _Does this mean I'm a lesbian? Am I bi? Does this questioning myself make me more Sueish? _She tried to put all thought out of her mind as she pulled out a homemade broomstick as ghetto-looking as her wand, though undoubtedly fast.

"Well, may the most Sueish Sue win," Korista said, putting some last-minute touches on her strange invention on the table.

"What's that?" Minda asked curiously.

"I love music, and my author decided I should have the awesome talent of inventing," Korista explained, "So I've been integrating things I learn from _Fuzi_ technical magazine and stuff Fred and George have told me to make a device that creates music according to your thoughts, and then stores them in an MP3 player." She happily showed Minda the strange divice, which looked like a book-sized iPod, with strings woven around the speaker. Minda looked at it with amusement, but was reluctant to strum the string, afraid of what music her troubled mind would create.

* * *

The weather was dark and stormy with hail the sizr of Quaffles--not ideal Quidditch weather, but perfect for Kinachiana, for her vampire weaknesses, while making her more Sueish in a tragic way, made her burn at the sight of sunlight. She was changing into some shorts that were short enough to be underwear, fighnet socks, spiked boots, a military-looking jacket, and several protective "emo" wristbands, when she heard a voice behind her. 

"Chia," it said, "Remember me?" Kinachiana turned around, shocked to see the transparent person before her: her late sister Lisemily!"

"Emmy! Great to see you!" Kinachiana said, "How long have you been here?"

"I've been following you ever since I died, Kinachiana Riddle," Lisemily said, flipping back her gorgeous, ghostly hair. "When I threw myself off the Hogwarts tower to save your life, a thought occurred to me: I was worried for you. I couldn't leave if I thought you might blame yourself for my death, hate yourself, let that get in the way of your success, etc. So, I've been haunting you for the past two years! While Harry and Zarita waste their seventh year snogging and doing nothing, you are going to beat out your fellow Sues and win this show! I know it!"

"I'll make you proud, Emmy!" Kinachiana promised, "I'll do everything I ever dreamed of, just like you made me promise I would! I won't be a sweet little girl like you and waste my life for the ones I care about! I'll be the most brutal Dark Sue I can be, and I'll take over the world!"

"That's my sister!" Lisemily said encouragingly, bringing Kinachiana into a warm embrace even though she was a ghost. "And keep being allies with Minda! Don't betray her, because she poses no threat anyway!" Kinachiana nodded her head as Lisemily resumed invisibility, grabbing her Nimbus 4000000000 and getting ready to hit the field, happy tears forming in her garnet-colored eyes.

* * *

Out on the field, Luna was on the commentator's post, while Hermione gave the instructions. "It simple, really: score with the Quaffle on any goal to get yourself points, the catching of the Snitch ends the game, hit each other with bludgers to boost our ratings. Ready, set--GO!" 

The Sues all took off, Korista wobbling a bit in the strong winds. Zarita took to the skies, looking in every direction for a glint of gold--her strategy was to catch the Snitch. Minda was low on the ground, barely seen by the others. She had already scored three goals by one minute into the game, but her winning streak didn't last long. Hentai transformed into a Quaffle and threw herself through the hoop several times before getting tired. Meanwhile, Kinachiana was practically trying to murder the Quaffle, for she had brutally smacked it through more goals than anyone else had. The ball was starting to have a flat spot.

"And it looks like Zarita's spotted something!" Luna said into the magical megaphone, "She's seen the Snitch! WATCH OUT, MINDA, THERE'S A HAILSTONE HEADED TOWARD YOU AS BIG AS A CRUMPLE-HORNED SNORLACK!" she shouted, and Minda swerved just in time.

Up in the sky, having scored no goal yet, Zarita sped after the Snitch with Minda close on her tail. Kinachiana ignored them both, still busy scoring, Hentai had caused herself to get dizzy and throw up, and Korista was stuck in an upside-down mount. Minda threw her expensive, silver stiletto heel and caught Zarita on the wrist, but she kept on speeding...

Just then, Kinachiana had an idea. Without any verbal spellwrork or wandwaving, she shot a huge, heavy-artillery missile into the middle of the pitch. Everyone screamed in horror as her dominating silouhette rose higher, and she shot another burning hot missile at Hentai, who screamed and spiraled downward.

"Holy crap!" Luna screamed at the top of her lungs into the megaphone, "Chia-Sue's just shot down Hentai with a magical missile! Our ratings have shot straight through the roof!" The people who had suddenly appeared in the audience started cheering as Kinachiana's last missile brought Zarita down. Kinachiana watching her handiwork woth a maniacal cackle--but Zarita had already caught the Snitch.

* * *

The Canon-Sues and Lt. Mary Sue had gathered the five Sues in the Great Hall to announce their scores. "That was excellent, all of you!" Mary said enthusiasticly, being her happy, peppy self. Even now, the other contestants were envious of her perfect figure, soulful gaze, and hair that swirled in the breeze even though no windows were open. "Now I'll announce how you did," Mary went on. 

Kinachiana had an evil smirk on her face, while Zarita looked smug as can be, messing up the back of her hair to make it even more apparent that she had just gotten off of a broom. "Korista: zero," Mary Sue said. "Minda: forty. Hentai: Seventy. Zarita: one hundred and fifty. Kinachiana: one hundred and seventy." Kinachiana's smile grew even wider, while Zarita cursed loudly into the camera and then made a rude hand gesture at it, stalking off to cut herself like the wannabe-emo everyone thought she was. A ghostly yet warm wind spread through the room, and out of the corner of her eye, Kinachiana thought she saw Lisemily giving her the thumbs-up sign. _I can do this,_ she thought with enthusiasm, _today, the Quidditch field...tomorrow, the world!_

* * *

Korista tested the strings on her newly invented thought-pod, which thankfully worked, before ushering the Sues out of the corridor and into the dorm. "Everyone, I have something I need to show you," she said. 

"What is it?" Zarita asked with much irritation. "I'm really not in the mood."

"You don't have to stay, this is only for Chia." Kinachiana's rosy cheeks flushed, while Zarita glared at her once more. "I've invented this thingy...I call it a Thought-Pod, and it makes music according to my thoughts. A few hours ago, I was visited by Lisemily Riddle. I tell you, she's such a nice girl, and one hell of a Mary Sue!" Everyone cheered while Korista went on. "Anyway, she wrote this song about her sister, Kinachiana, but then she died and never got to sing it, and she wanted me to sing it, so, here it goes."

Korista took a few seconds to start the music, strumming on the winding strings as the music of an entire band and orchestra filled the dormitory. She stood up on the center bed, which was Lt. Mary Sue's, and when she sang, it was like heaven had burned down and fallen to the earth.

_"Her riot-stopping hair  
And crimson garnet stare  
Ensnare the senses of society  
An oh-so-tragic past  
Has other girls surpassed  
And forged her brutal notoriety.  
Her words can strike fear in the hearts of a nation  
While her body inspires sweet temptation..._

_"She's the girl who was meant to rule  
Seductively pretty, sadistically cruel  
But her sadness and angst make it all cool  
She's the darker side of Miss Cliched._

_"She wears those fishnet socks  
Her wardrobe really rocks  
And she always knows what's going on  
She'll spill her darkest fears  
Then insult you to tears  
And it hurts 'cause you know she's never wrong.  
She's perfect with no explanation  
On her way to world domination _

_"She's the girl who was meant to rule  
Seductively pretty, sadistically cruel  
But her sadness and angst make it all cool  
She's the darker side of Miss Cliched._

_"She's the girl who's so in the zone  
In a class of her very own  
Everyone knows she was born to PWN  
She's so flawlessly Miss Cliched."_

As the cheesy refrain ended, Kinachiana started to cry--she had no idea her sister had cared for her so. Well, okay, she did, seeing as someone has to care for you a lot to die for you. Poor, naive Lisemily; she could have saved her own life if she had sensed the dangers that surrounded the family, but her kindness wouldn't have been in vain. _I will continue to avenge you,_ Kinachiana thought, _I will never stop until the world is ours._

At the back of the room, Hentai moved as close as she could to Zarita without her boobs crushing the prophecy-destroyer to the wall. "Zita," she whispered, "Chia is a vampire, right?" Zarita immediately understood what her ally meant: Kinachiana's vampire weaknesses that had been used as a plot device to make her more intensely Sueish could be used to bring her to a grim demise.

"Ready the stakes."_  
_

* * *

A/N: Three guesses who the contenders for most tragic past are. If you've actually read this far, it won't kill you to leave a review. I value your opinion. Even if it's just to flame my cheesy song, as I'm used to poetry flames by now._  
_


	8. Moshing and Fighting

**Disclaimer: If I owned it, what would I be doing on fanfiction dot net?**

In the darkness of midnight, the Sues all a-snooze,  
Two partners were planning a clever, dark ruse.  
With stakes in their pockets, holy water in hand,  
They crept into the dormitory to carry out their plan.

"This is it," Hentai said giddily as they silently pushed the portrait-hole open to the Sue dorm, too sadistically to be trusted.

"You really are crazy," Zarita pointed out, "Although the stakes _were_ my idea. Well, let's do this."

Their sounds were heard by a most unlikely person: Minda clutched her knife, feigning sleep though her mind was lucin, she and Kinachiana having decided to sleep in shifts to be ready for any threat. She waited patiently as Zarita prodded her and all the others with her wand to make sure they were really asleep, and Hentai passed her a long, wooden, silver-tipped stake embellished with rhinestones for a cute, vibrant effect.

Zarita Potter inched closer to her target, until she was in a position to stab the life from the limp form of Kinachiana. "Victory is mine," she whispered maliciously, but was stopped mid-stab: a tiny obsidian scalpel had collided with her abdomen as Minda sat bolt upright.

"OOOWWWW!" Zarita screamed, the little blade doing much damage. Now Kinachiana and Korista had awoken, while Lieutenant Mary Sue ran into the room, her eyes wide and soulful with distress, making her look like a magazine model.

"Oh, gee golly gosh!" she panted, "What's all the rukus!" Her fifteen-year-old physique easily stopped the starting brawl, but angry shouts still issued throughout the room as the Sues who had been asleep tried to figure out what had gone on.

"Potter tried to stake Riddle in the heart!" Minda informed, totally keeping her cool as she pulled the scalpel out of Zarita's clean entry wound, examining the cutting edge and noting that it was sharp as before she had used it to do any cutting.

"Oh my! That's just--"

"Cosmically glorious," Hermione finished for Mary Sue, examining the scene, "Because even though it's almost one in the morning, we're going to have you do a challenge. It's a magical catfight, though Korista is permitted to use a gun." She looked over each Sue with excitement mixed with unnessecary cruelty. "Oh, and show up in your underwear, as it will boost our ratings."

As she left the room, Korista noticed a small camera embedded into the wall. "Has this always been here?" she asked.

"Yeah," Mary Sue said, "Back when Voldemort managed the show and killed off all the losers, each contestant had a hand-held camera, but now that he's not funding us anymore, the Canon-Sues can't afford to have all the fancy stuff. That's why there's only five contestants."

Everyone filed out of the dorm except for Korista, who turned to face the camera. "Two pairs of feuding Sues, and I'm just the witness here. Viewers probably don't know I exist," she said to it. "I feel like you, little camera. I'm just a witness. And although I don't have a tragic past, I feel tragic enough to last me a lifetime." She grabbed her finest lingerie and a gun--with silver bullets, not the gross, mosquito kind-- and went to the lavatory tp change, leaving the dorm empty and dark while some touching music played in the background.

* * *

The Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom had been turned into a ground for war. In one corner, a stack of crates stood between a potential combatant and a life-threatening curse. As Luna made the last few arrangements to a random pile of barbed wire, Ginny lined all the contestants up shoulder to shoulder so that Minda was at the edge of the line, followed by Zarita and Kinachiana, then Korista, and finally, Hentai. "What's with the funky arrangement?" a random bystander asked. 

"I lined you guys up by cup size!" Ginny proclaimed. "See? A,B,B,C,F!" Hentai giggled at her place at the end. "Alright, yo, let me get out of the way before I get hit--the rules of this challenge are simple. Hit each other with as many curses, or bullets, as you can." She ran to the doorway quickly before shouting, "GO!"

Hentai immediately drew her wand, aiming a random, wordless curse at Korista, who ducked behind the crates. A gunshot was heard firing in no particular direction, but happened to hit Zarita. Minda aimed at the barbed wire, prodding at the air as if not entirely sure how to use her wand. Suddenly, she was hit. She screamed as she hit the ground, a thousand white-hot invisible knives stabbing at her, barely catching a glimpse of Zarita's sadistic smile.

She couldn't have managed a word, let alone grasp her wand, but out of the shadows, she was saved. Kinachiana hadn't even bothered drawing her wand, settling to strangle Zarita with her bare hands. "Grab my wand!" she told Minda, "And say a curse! A spell! Anything!"

Minda did as she was told, sputttering the first thing that came to mind: "_Wingardium Leviosa!_" It seemed kind of stupid, until Minda realized that she had mispronounced the spell and singed off half of Zarita's hair.

The other Sues had taken the sttack as an excuse to start a fistfight. Korista jumped into the center of the room, punching everyone she could, mosh-pit style. Everyone followed suit, adn soon the battle had turned into a giant, explosive mosh pit--even random bystanders were joining in! Suddenly, Zarita rose from the crowd, and, with her wand pointed at Kinachiana, began to say, "AVADA KED--"

Right in the nick of time, Kinachiana was saved by Luna and Hermione. "No winner," Hermione declared, "Due to irresponsable moshing and attempt to using illegal spellwork."

"But there was nothing in the rules against murder!" Zarita pleaded.

"True," Luna explained, but it's okay if Voldemort's daughter does it. When Harry Potter's sister does it, however, it's NOT cool."

* * *

That night at the dinner table, everyone ate in silence. At this point in the chapter, the author realized that she had forgotten to scrutinize the details of the Sues' clothing, so she began right away. Each girl was wearing the same thing she had worn in combat: Minda was clad in a blue thong adorned with sequins and a rad-white-and-blue bra that resembeled the Confederate flag, which she'd borrowed from Kiera, who in turn had stolen it from a Muggle she had mugged. Hentai was wearing a lacy black corset that showed too much clevage and a matching set of underpants. Zarita was wearing red and gold, as she usually did in a physical contest, and her panties and bra were decorated with too many rhinestones. Korista looked especially alluring in a bright-green tank-top cut into a bra and tied in the middle with a brooch, layered over a black bra, with a bright green thong. Kinachiana's lingerie was sparkling silver to contrast her caramel skin and futuristicly sexy, accented with garnets to match the deep red of her eyes. After mentioning all of this, the author decided it would be okay to return to the story. 

Also seated at the table were Ginny, Hermione, and Luna, along with five secret-service men, bringing their number to 13, that Voldemort had sent to protect his daughter. This, however, was unlikely to be the truth, given tha fact that the two of them hated each other. "I honestly thought you girls would do better," Hermione said, but no one paid her any attention anymore, as it had gotten rather fishy that she had been pronouncing her own name Hermy-own. "That was supposed to be a magic fight, not a fistfight. There is a degree to which even Mary Sues must stay in character. And you never, EVER, mess up a fellow Sue's hair," she finished, with a pointed glare at Minda.

"Hey! You took all the beef curry!" Zarita accused Minda, whp was halfheartedly shoving beef curry into her mouth.

"Well, you took all the lemon pie," Minda justified.

"You don't even like lemon pie!"

"I thought you were telepathic or something! Of course I like lemon pie!" Minda declared, throwing a fistfull of blueberries at Zarita mockingly. Zarita stood up angrily and hurled a slice of tres leches at Minda. Suddenly, it was the combat ground all over again: people stood up to throw food at each other, getting everyone into a sticky, food-covered mess.

"ENOUGH!" Ginny shouted, "All of you! Go back to the dorm! I won't have these disgusting brawls on my show, or so help you, I will torture each one of you into insanity!" Everyone scurried out of the room as fast as they could, while Minda lagged behind, at a walking pace, on her way to the bathroom to drown herself.

* * *

"I just can't take it anymore," Minda muttered to herself, staring at the water in the bathtub, "I'm never going to have what it takes to win this show, and I can't go on living much longer with HIV. I guess I am a waste of society's efforts on me." She prepared to dunk her head and say goodbye forever, but something stopped her: she couldn't let go now, and she had to admit it: she was in love with Korista. Instead, she crawled into the tub of warm water and let herself drift off to sleep.

* * *

A/N: Next chapter: find out how Remus and Sirius are in on it all! Free cookies to reviewers... :)  



	9. The Youtube Video

**Disclaimer: I've run out of catchy disclaimers, so I'll just say I own nothing you recognise.**

Far, far away from Hogwarts, the camera guys of _Mary Sue: The Ultimate Showdown,_ who were actually Remus Lupin and Sirius Black in disguise, were filming a video for Youtube in an old, abandoned shed. "Hi, I'm Remus Lupin," Remus said as the camera switched on.

"And I'm Sirius Black," Sirius said, "And this is the truth about _Mary Sue: The Ultimate Showdown._ You see, Remus and I have a bet with Severus Snape that we can take a homeless girl from the streets of Romulus and train her to win a test of Suedom."

"As you may have guessed, Minda is the one we snuck into the competition," Remus continued. "She would have never been chosen, but Sirius and I gave her a magical pendant that emmited an aura of genuine Sueishness. Of course, we had to train her in many skills. I taught her the arts of ninjitsu and piracy myself, along with some electric cello skills."

"I gave her knowledge in some more intimate skills," Sirius said with a grin. "And I tell you, she feels just like this!" He took Remus's finger and squeezed it until the circulation was cut off.

"Ow! That kind of hurts!" Remus said, before he realized what it actually meant. "_How could you!_" he cried. "I thought we had something special!"

"It's not like that, Remus!" Sirius insisted, "I really care for you!"

"I can't believe you!" Remus want on, "We've been going out for two years! TWO YEARS! And we've never shagged!"

"Remus, I have to tell you something."

"What?"

"I have HIV." The two of them began to cry, wrapping their arms around each other in clear view of the camera.

"Me too," Remus choked through his tears.

Kinachiana walked into the frame, wearing black leather gloves with deadly spikes on the knuckles. "Aww, that's so cute!" she said, "It's just like_ RENT_!" She took a seat between the two and turned her attention to Sirius. "Now tell me...have you contaminated my ally?"

Sirius looked from side to side, then screamed, "MOMMY!" as the tripod was knocked over and Kinachianaattacked him. The screen went black, followed by a frame with text that read, _And you thought a curtain killed Sirius Blak,_ with "Black" misspelled like it is on the Coke energy drinks.

Lisemily serenely hit the replay button on her computer, watching her sister's triumph again and again. "That's my little sister," she muttered to herself, laughing and flipping her hair that shimmered like autumn leaves, even though leaves do not shimmer and even though her hair was colorless because she was a ghost.

* * *

A/N: This is the short chapter that explains how Sirius and Remus come into play. If you were offended by the chapter, live with it, I don't write to please canon-obsessors or homophobes. 


	10. Talent Show Fiasco

**Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. However, I do own the song "Freakish Fantasy," which I've written for my band that's unlikely to ever be formed. I own the Sues and the plot though, so don't steal my pathetic Sues or I might sue. I'm serious, that wasn't a pun.  
**

"_I want to get close to you in a room full of dead cows,_" sang a familiar voice, the most beautiful Minda had ever heard, in fact. As she slowly awoke, she saw Brinker Toast's handsome featuresnext to her face, and was thankful for the bubbles in the tub hiding her nudity.

"Where did you get those lyrics?" she asked, "Did you write them? Totally random-awesome!"

Brinker gave a mischevious smile, taking a sheet of paper out of his pocket. "You wrote them in your sleep, and I wrote them down."

The most obvious of questions occurred to Minda: "What are you doing here?" she slurred, not taking her eyes from his beauty--he was such a Gary Stu!

Brinker withdrew another sheet of paper, cheesily singing what it said: "_To whom it may concern, I should be thankful for your blueberry trick with that poison that was meant for Zarita. All the viewers think that it was me, and even if I lose my status in this stupid game show, society will never let my reputation die. I'm on my way to world domination, love, Kinachiana. P.S, please accept a token of gratitude, Brinker Toast will play the drums as you perform your act for the Talent Show Challenge!_" he grinned an irresistably Stuish grin, handing Minda the lyrics she had written herself. "So, do you play any instruments?"

"Cello," Minda answered, covering herself with a towel. "I'm guessing I wrote this song for my true love, so, should I just sing it?" she asked.

"Yeah, but also strip. The public loves that," Brinker advised. Minda supressed an eye roll, but decided to do it anyway. She would do pretty much anything to win Korista's love.

"So, where are all the other Sues?" Minda asked, looking around at the empty place.

"In honor of the last challenge, they're all going shopping. I hope you have something sexy to wear, because you've majorly overslept and won't have time for seriously Sueish shopping."

Minda sifted through her suitcase. "I have just the thing," she proclaimed, pulling out a belly-baring shirt patterned after the bodice of a Japanese schoolgirl uniform, but more glittery and showing a lot more skin. She paired it with a pair of hip-hugging, navy-blue lace boyshorts with with little stars of real diamond. Brinker gawked at the expensive ensemble as Minda pulled out a sexy dementor cloak, tattered and frayed, that she would shed during her act.

"How did you afford that?" Brinker asked.

"I invent and sell drugs to people, who sell them back to werewolves. Unlike most Sues, I have a steady source of income," Minda explained.

* * *

"Welcome to Mary Sue's Boutique," a perky, blonde Sue greeted the four girls as they walked through the door of a trendy shop. Her nametag read _Chlloee_ and she was wearing clothes with enough glitter to blind a human being. It was apparrent that she was so annoying to the readers that she couldn't find a job except as a greeter in a store. "Our main sections are stereotyped by preppy, dark, slutty, and formal, out band shirts are in the back, and there are other sections, too. Have a good day!" Everyone rolled their eyes as Chlloee smiled brightly and shamelessly. 

"It's too bad Minda couldn't come," Kinachiana sighed as the Sues walked through Mary Sue's Boutique. "I hope she's feeling okay."

"I don't," Hentai spat with a smirk, taking a look at an extremely tight dress of black and sky blue that would look gorgeous on her and slutty on anyone else. For the occasion, she had metamorphosed so that her hair was in a playfully flippy, baby blue style with blean white highlights, and her eyes were like a silver winter sky. "I think I'm going to get this dress," she mumbled serenely, seeming more like a Tootsietramp than a Sparklypoo.

"It'll look gorgeous on you, but way too short and really slutty on anyone else," Zarita commented. She too was looking at dresses, leaning toward getting one that was deep green to match her eyes, in a Victorian style with beige lace petticoats. "What do you think of this?"

"Cough. It's ugly. Cough," Korista coughed. She herself was checking out a replica of the panties that made history: navy blue, lacy boyshorts with a pattern of stars outlined in rhinestones (the original had a pattern in real diamonds). She hadn't even been aware that they made replicas of the legendary lingerie, which had been bought by some alien drug dealer. She slowly and discreetly shoved them into her purse, the lack of tags making shoplifting even easier. She decided to pair it with a top that she's stolen earlier, a low-cut, belly-baring shirt modeled after a Japanese school uniform and a tattered cloak.

Kinachiana was in a fitting room, hitting her head against the wall and angsting. "Nothing here is dangerous and brutal-looking enough," she muttered to herself. "I need something that scares the general public!"

"Try the Sadist-Sue section," a girl advised, staring through the open sitting-room door. Her eyes were blue and sparkling, her hair was dark as an ebony forest, her skin was virgin snow, and her plump lips were as red as blood. She was wearing a tightfitting Green Day shirt and a sweet smile. "I'm Serena, by the way. I work here, but I'm actually spying on Voldemort. And you are?"

"Chia-Sue Riddle," Kinachiana answered, commanding respect as she strolled to the Sadist-Sue section. "Thank you, and may your quest to destroy my father be paved with the blood of his followers."

All around her were shrunken heads, turture devices, and clothing one might find on a suicide bomber. She already had an accesory: a necklace that looked like miniature handcuffs, from which there was a tiny vial of Harry Potter's blood attatched to each cuff, given to her by Wormtail a long time ago for no apparent reason. Kinachiana chose a matching set of handcuff bracelets, tight black jeans with chains tightly woven around the legs, and a red t-shirt printed with numerous threatening sloagans, using her spiked gloves to tie the look together. She met her fellow Sues at checkout, all of which were making a purchase, except Korista.

As they left, Serena shot Korista a dirty look because she was telepathic and knew the customer was shoplifting, but let it slide, becuase she was just so Sueishly nice that way, thus ending the stupid random episode at the store.

* * *

Minda was rehearsing backstage when she heard the other girls return. "TAke your places, Sues," Ginny could be heard saying. It's almost time to start. Oh, and Zarita, you'll be performing first. 

Zarita took her place on the stage. Minda peered theough the curtains with Brinker looking over her shoulder. Zarita pulled a piccolo from her case and began to play. Her melody was like the sighing of an angel, as everyone _ooh_ed and _ahh_ed appropriately. The song finished too soon, but Luna wrote something down on her clipboard and looked up as if to say, _that's it?_

"Hentai, you're next," Lt. Mary Sue said, as Hentai walked onstage in the revealing dress she had bought. With a look of deep concentration, she split herself into six different Hentais, and as energetin music started to play, began an impressive syncronized dance. Each move was precise and demonstrated great skill, and by the time they had formed a people pyramid, everyone was cheering.

"Next: Kinachiana," Luna said. Kinachiana's black, red-laced combat boots threatened to put a hole in the floor as she stepped onto the stage, fully clad in her new Sadist-Sue clothes, her flowing pigtails flawless as always. She held a violin, raising it to a playing position, and srew out a tune of angst and depression, symbolizing a neverending climb, constantly hindered. As she played, a tear ran down her cheek, only making her look more beautiful. Her pyromaniacal skills raised flamed in the bacground as the song turned angry. Midway through her performance, Voldemort came walking through the doors.

"Come, my child, it is time for us to rule the world!" he said.

"I will never rule with you!" Kinachiana shouted.

"But why?" he asked, "Haven't I always given you everything? Why do you hate me so?"

The flames behind Kinachiana grew. "Because you beat me, tortured me, let your minions rape me, and threw my sister off a building!" she shouted, the magic of her anger knocking her father to the cround, unconcious. With a satisfied smirk, Kinachiana continued playing, this time a happy jig, tap-dancing to the tune and turning the flames into a small nuclear explosion. "Thank you," she said, stepping off the stage. The Great Hall exploded with applause.

"Minda, you're up," Hermione said. Minda emerged from backstage, to the shock of Korista: _We're wearing the same clothes!_ Korista thought. The only difference was the shoes: Minda's were red strappy stilettos, while her own were red Converse sneakers. Minda held a cello and stepped up to the microphone.

"Before Brinker and I start, I'd like to say a few words," she said while Brinker set up his drums. "Everyone on this show has been so obsessed with winning, but what for?" she said, watery eyed. "Is it the end of the world if we lose? To you, maybe, but for me, there's something more important than Suedom." She turned to Korista, her brown hair seeming more shimmery than usual in the light. "Korista, even though I've only known you for a few weeks, but I love you and I can't imagine life without you, so I wrote you half a song."

As the audience _aww_ed, the lights dimmed, and Minda and Brinker began to play their music. Her cello playing was unmatched, with doublestops, triplestops, and a different rhythm on every string. WHen she sang, it was like a bird trapped in honey, if that makes sense at all.

"Hey best buddy, what do you knowYou've struck my heart a fatal blow  
My love for you burns with the intensity of a hundred thousand suns  
We can go up to bed and check for your grandma's screaming livestock  
Let's go--she can get the whole thing on video

"I want to get close to you in a room full of dead cows  
And red hot habaneros covered in cheese  
Grandma's camera's been rolling  
And my love is a walking disease  
'Cause I'm your freak, and these are my fantasies."

She removed her cloak, revealing the same type of lingerie Korista was wearing! She threw it, adn some screaming fanboy caught it, and went into a crazy cello solo. Korista knew she'd never make it with only cello and drums, even eith the diverse rhythms. Besides, she only had half a song! But perhaps there was something she could do about it. But there was more than that, she realized. Every word issuing from Minda's bloodred lips was about _her_, and, inexplicably, she felt tha same way.

Korista jumped onto the stage, armed with her thought-pod and a head full of lyrics.

"Hey my crazy, what do you say  
We make love the pirate ninja way  
Just like they did on the dorky sci-fi action movie reruns  
We could make disgusting noises in the cockpit of a plane  
Let's go--we can broadcast it all on the radio

"I want to get close to you in a room full of dead cows  
And red hot habaneros covered in cheese  
Grandma's camera's been rolling  
And my love is a walking disease  
'Cause I'm your freak, and these are my fantasies."

Handling just about seven instruments on her Thought-pod, Korista threw her cloak into the audience, which was caught by a screaming pedophile. Exchanging a warm, beautifully watery-eyed glance, they somehow agreed on a random-awesome last stanza, which, like the rest of the song, made no sense.

"But at this moment, what can I do?" Korista sang, while Minda caught the next line.

"...Oh, anything to bring me closer to you..."

"...'Cause I'm trapped in a NASA shuttlecraft..."

"...And I'm in jail for livestock theft..."

Finally they sang the last line in unison: "But even still, there's a whole lot left of our freakish fantasy!"

The hall exploded with applause, in the literal sense--the roof got blown off! Without a word, Korista leaned over and started vigorously snogging Minda. "I think we have a winner here!" Luna announced. "Now, it's time to announce the TOTAL SCORES!" Suspenseful music started to play as an envelope was opened. Luna read the scores loud and clear: "Korista: 571. Minda: 571. Kinachiana: 571. Hentai: 571. Zarita: 571. You know what that means!"

Hentai gave a gasp of excitement. "We all get to join your clique?" she asked hopefully. The three Canon Sues put on malicious smiles. A shield went up around the Sues that even their intense brand of magic couldn't penetrate: Sue Shields. They watched in horror as Hermione revealed her true form as Narcissa Malfoy, Ginny turned into Bellatrix Lestrange, and Luna transformed into Darth Vader.

* * *

A/N: If you didn't see that coming, you're really stupid. Hooray for cliffhangers!  



	11. Saving The Day

**Disclaimer: I own many things, but things you recognise from this fic are not included.**

"Mom!" Kinachiana said upon seeing Bellatrix. "What's going on?

"Please let us go," Minda begged. "If you like, I could make some sort of...arrangement between us," she offered, fingering the buttoons of her top, being used to this kind of dealing.

"That's my mom!" Kinachiana spat with disgust. Bellatrix pulled out her wand in a threatening manner.The five Sues huddled together in fear, gazing in horror at the swirling light of the Sue Shield and at Darth Vader and his minions. Kinachiana was struck with horrible memories of the last Mary Sue gameshow she was forced to witness, the one in which her sister had died. What would happen this time? Would she lose Minda, the only friend she'd had since the terrible incident? Would she die herself? Her knees went weak and she slumped onto the ground, crying. "What are you going to do to us?" Hentai shrieked.

"Suck the life force out of you and use it as a weapon to rule the world," Bellatrix said with sadistic enthusiasm. "We can do this the easy way, or I can torture you!"

"Any last words?" prompted Darth Vader, a deranged smile invisible from behind the robotic mask. Suddenly, all the contestants buret into sobs.

"I'm sorry I tried to poison you!" Kinachiana sobbed into Zarita's shoulder, who welcomed her with an embrace.

"I'm sorry for being a psycho bee-otch and trying to stake you in the heart!" Zarita replied, tears running down her cheeks.

"I'm sorry for helping her!" Hentai wept.

"I'm sorry for screwing up your poison!" Minda sobbed to Kinachiana. "WE"RE ALL GONNA DIE!"

Only Korista remained calm. "What are you up to?" she demanded. Narcissa gave a cruel laugh.

"This whole game show has been fake," she said coldly. "We needed a raw source of power for our world conquest, and what could be better than Mary Sues? So, we kidnapped the Canon-Sues and took over their show, waiting for the right moment to get you all together and capture you. So now, you're here!"

"What did you do with the Canons?" Korista shouted, not satisfyed with the answer.

"We're up here!" a bewildered Hermione shouted from a cage on the cieling. "We've been in this cage the entire time! I can't believe you didn't notice!" She turned to Narcissa with a scowl. "And next time you impersonate me, don't straighten my hair! It's supposed to fall in soft waves! I only wore it straight once this year, and that was a blowdryer malfunction!

While the villains and Canon-Sues were rambling, the girls trapped in the bubble were struggling to find a way to escape. "I've got it!" Zarita exclaimed, "They need us alive, right? So if we act like we're dying..."

"I'm way ahead of you," Kinachiana responded. She was determined that no one would die in the hall. The hatred inside her turned to righteous anger and manifested as a fiery desire as pyromaniacal girl was quick to conjure bright blue, ashy flames. Everyone screamed, for it felt like they were actually frying to death--but Vader had no choice but to deactivate the shields. Hentai was quick to think of an idea: she split herself into six beings again, constantly disappearing and remultiplying.

"I'm over here!" she would say, then disappear. "Too slow! Over here now!" she taunted, while Narcissa and Bellatrix chased her. Zarita pulled a Firebolt out of no where and flew to the cieling.

"Minda! Throw me that little knife!" she shouted. Minda depocketed her obsidian scalpel, unsure of what purpose it would serve. Zarita began to saw at the bars. Slowly but surely, one bar broke, then two...then a large, jeweled blade whent whrring past Zarita's head, breaking all the bars while Hermione, Ginny, and Luna hopped onto Zarita's broomstick.

"If you needed a katana, you should have asked," Minda called from below. "ZOMYGOSH! They're getting away!" The three villains ran for the exit. Then, out of nowhere, like most things in this chapter...

BANG! BANG! BANG! Korista blew over the smoke of her gun, having shot down, but not killed, the three fiends. She conjured rope that tied them together because her author had momentarily forgotten that she was a Muggle. The Canon Sues were amazed and flabbergasted.

"That was amazing! A real test of Sueishness!" Ginny cried.

"Who do you think won?" Hermione asked.

Luna thought for a moment. "I think all of you proved once and for all that you're the ultimate Mary Sues!" she exclaimed.

"So we all get to join your clique?" Hentai asked again. As the three Sues nodded, elation swept across the Hall. Hentai jumped up and down, sexy tears running down her face. Zarita and Kinachiana were hugging each other like best friends. Minda and Korista were in each other's arms, making out on a table.

"EWWW!" Ginny shrieked, "Cut to commercial!"

Minda and Korista, of course, ignored any and all pleas for them to stop. "I love you," Minda said tenderly.

"I love you too, even though that's so OOC for me," Korista replied. After what seemed like an eternity, they stood up, ready to embark on their next adventure.

"SHUT THE //bleep// UP!" Bellatrix screamed, beaten, defeated, and tied up with rope.

"DON"T THINK YOU'VE DEFEATED ME!" Darth Vader shouted in his robotic voice. "THE SITH WILL RISE AGAIN!" Nobody was paying attention to him anymore, for the journey was at its end, and, like most Sue fiction, she story was winding down with nothing to amount to but angst and sex.

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A/N: Whaddaya think! But wait, it's not over yet. There's still one more stupid OOC scene! 


	12. Epilogue, or The World Is Screwed

**Disclaimer: There is no more originality in the world. Chances are, I own absoulutely nothing.**

_It has been ten years since the Sues became members of the Canon-Sue clique. Darth Vader remains at large on another planet, but as for Earth, Kinachiana now rules it with Minda as her viceroy. She also has her own followers now, called the Consumers of Mortality. Harry and Zarita--I mean, Zarita and Harry--are living happily in Alabama as husband and wife. Korista is living with Minda in a huge mansion with a a built in nightclub and fences to keep out their stalkers (yes, they each have multiple stalkers bacause they're hott with 2 t's). Korista is the lead singer of the Crawfish Quartet, a band comprised of herself, Minda, Kinachiana, and Brinker Toast. Hetnai has taken over Honey's suerheroing position. A normal epilogue would stop here with an explanation of the morals, but as any Suefic, this one goes the extra mile and leaves you with a last sickeningly gishy scene._

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"What have I told you again and again?" Kinachianasaid through gritted teeth, unable to bear totruring her viceroy and friend. She never thought she would have compassion for a human being, but that was all a wall she had put up to defend her emotions. In truth, she valued her friends over herself and only wished to torment enemies, like any decent evildoer. With a sigh of relief, she released her Cruciatus Curse on Minda. 

"Never take things by force, only take what you give me," Minda choked out. You'd have thought she'd learn by now, this having ben her third failed attempt to take over Canada. "Forgive me," she hoarsely whispered, still recovering from the strong curse. She usually would have killed Kinachiana with her phaser, but this was the woman who had helped her through the _Showdown_.

"All is forgiven," Kinachiana said, helping Minda to her feet, who dusted off her fashionably tattered plaid jacket and black micro-mini. "In fact, when we return to your mansion, you'll find a nifty little present that's worth the entire North American Continent!" Minda giggled with excitement as the two of them got off of the road and into a limousine.

Minda unlocked the door to her mansion and was immediately shocked to see decorations and a banner that read _Mary Sue: The Ultimate Showdown 10 Year Reunion!_ Hentai and Zarita were there too, and of course, Korista, who lived there. "Hey supreme overlord!" Zarita sang at the sight of Kinachiana and looking over her outfit: tight leather pants with chains dangling from the pockets, a black jacket with embroidered yellow skulls, and six-inch-high combat boots.

"Hey hott biatch!" Kinachiana replied, giving her former rival a high five. Harry Potter was also there, as was Kinachiana's fiancee, Stewey Griffin, who was now in his late twenties and irresistably dark in a sexy-tastic way. "That's not all," Kinachiana whispered to Minda. Stewey pressed a button on the wall, and suddenly, a part of the floor disappeared, revealing a pool-sized tank of sharks--with friggin' laserbeams on their heads! "SURPRISE! I'VE MADE YOU NATIONAL EXECUTIONER!"

"Macnair will be so jealous!" Minda squealed with excitement, bending down to admire her sharks. "I'm going to name you Winston!"she told one particularly fierce looking shark. Korista was also impressed by the newly installed shark tank, and proceeded to pet Winston, who licked her hand sensing her kind heart. It was a wonder that she didn't fall into the tank, as hershoes were seemingly impossible for any human to walk in, but she gracefully continued stroking the shark, her locks of now golden-red sunshine barely grazing the surface of the water. Hentai began to serve up dinner with the computerized cooking system. Her hair was short and ruby red for the occaision, with random pieces of electric blue. Her tight corset made it seem like her enormous breasts defied gravity.

Zarita's daughter, Suri, looked sadly around the room with a sigh. Her eyes gazed in different directions and she suffered from autism.

"What's wrong?" Minda asked.

"I wish I could just be normal," Suri sobbed.

"Hey, you never know," Minda encouraged, bringing a hint of a smile to the child's face, who stopped banging her head on the wall. "You just might get what you want. Doctors said I should have died three years ago."

As if the reunion wasn't stupid enough, Voldemort came bursting through the door. "It's time for me to complete my lifelong mission," he declared. "I'm going to destroy you, Harry Potter!"

"No! I'll never let you hurt my one true love!" Zarita shouted, placing herself in fromt of Harry. Voldemort shot a Killing Curse at her and she died, but the power of love likked him, too. He fell screaming as hewas blasted into the tank of sharks, who began shooting and eating him. Harry was shamelessly weeping by Zarita's body, her emerald green eyes still open in defiance. He stroked her raven hair as the Crawfish Trio set up their instruments to play a mourning melody.

Zarita's breasts tented the fabric of her flowing tube-top dress, even though it was mentioned that she was only a B-cup, a stupid detail that the author felt it was neccesary to insert. Harry leaned over to kiss his lover's corpse, but suddenly, he felt a pulse!

"Harry!" Zarita said in a hoarse whisper, her eyes heavy lidded with exhaustion. "Your love has brought me back to life!" The two of them ebraced as they had when they had first met, everyone _aww_ing at Zarita's ressurection from her gushy sacrifice for love. "Shouldn't the ending be a little more dramatic?" Harry asked Zarita as the two of them grabbed glasses of wine from a computerized tray. All the Sues rolled their eyes.

"She's a Mary Sue," Minda whispered to Harry, her hand on Zarita's shoulder, "You don't question her love, even though she is your sister." Harry gave a nod of understanding, as Minda went to embrace her own lover.

_So, as you can see, everything was fine and dandy in Sueworld. Korista and Minda are finally in love, Zarita made the gushy sacrifice and turned nice, Kinachiana avenged Lisemily, and Hentai achieved her dream. An angelic melody of theme music played in the distance as everyone went on loving happily ever after._

_Except the rest of the Wizarding world. They're screwed._

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A/N: (star wars theme music plays while screen turns to credits.) Well, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed my little piece of satire. If you did, review! If you didn't, flame! Either way, it boosts my story's reviews!

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